Substitution
by Morphine Dementia
Summary: "It was either an invasion of clowns or a giant dog screwing a giant beachball, so either way it was evil and had to be stopped." Kinkmeme fill. Lavi discovers that Art of Kanda is not only suitable for taking pictures. Unfortunately, it makes noises. Squeaky noises. And, of course, certain homicidal bypassers will find it suspicious... CRACK, LaviDummy, KandaLavi, yaoi, language.


_**AN:**__ O hai there. Why does the last event of the LaviYu Fest ( thelaviyufesthq . livejournal . com ) seem so unpopular? Don't make it shrink back to only one day next year, people! Anyway, this last week was meant for pronz, so here we go. More cracksmut from me! (Because I apparently am only capable of delivering psychosmut and cracksmut. Oh well.)_

This is a fill for the new kinkmeme request, this one in particular: _Lavi/Art-of-Kanda. Lavi secretly keeps the Art of Kanda as a sexdoll. It would also be great if the real Kanda walked in on Lavi screwing the doll_. ( Prompt link: community . livejournal dgm_kink / 358 . html ? thread = 352614 # t352614 )

Well, I'm not sure how much of kink justice I will actually be doing, but.. Hope you like it anyway! (Unrequited love is too sad for crack, so it ends as a KandaLavi... hope anon doesn't mind that, and hope all readers are satisfied with this~) AND NOW I GO TO HELL, MY TRAIN IS WAITING.

Happy birthday, Lavi! Hope you will appreciate the crack?

**Warnings:** Umm possible OOCness (but it be for crackz!), yaoi, Kanda language, and...uh... implied Lavi doing a doll? : D ...And. If it DID make your brain break - I AM BUT A PUNY WRITER, COMPLYING TO THE WHIM OF ALMIGHTY ANON. IF YOU THINK IT'S BREAKING, (you haven't seen that Dreamfall fanart with Wonkers x Zoe /shot) IMAGINE HOW IT FEELS TO VISUALIZE IT IN YOUR MIND AND DESCRIBE IT. NOW CRY AND LAUGH WITH ME. HEARTS TO YOU ALL.

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_**SUBSTITUTION**_

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Lavi knew Yu would never agree to have sex with him, be it plainly fuckbuddy-like or romantically-induced. He just knew it. Or rather, he assumed it from Kanda's general behaviour which held zero hints of any sexual desire. After all, asking a strongly homicidal stuck-up best friend if he wouldn't like to engage in some bed activities sounded like a rather bad idea even for someone like Lavi. And he wasn't stupid, no, he was actually careful. So he just had to settle with it.

He couldn't help thinking how utterly attractive Yu was, though.

So, when he found what had to be Tiedoll's Art of Kanda in an old storage room while cleaning out the Generals' quarters, he immediately decided to keep it, even though he didn't have any clear plans back then. It was a life-sized replica of Yu, rather light as it seemed to be made from plastic-like material, at the same time it was rather soft and the skin felt almost realistic, not to mention the hair, the lovely soft hair, which wasn't as soft as the real thing - Lavi had touched it a few times, risking his life - but still more smooth than most real people's. Of course, the doll's expression was rather off, but other than that, it looked just like Kanda.

Therefore, on the first opportunity, Lavi dragged it into an unused room which he had occupied due to living in one room with Bookman while he needed a bit of private space. He had, as far as he was concerned, the only key from it, and he could keep all of the kinky literature he managed to get his hands on or other things Gramps wouldn't have approved of there. There was a nice, comfy couch, some shelves and a closet, and naturally, he hid the doll in the closet until his next return.

::

At first Lavi would just look at it and touch it, and some time passed just like that. However one day he realized that this might as well be the perfect chance to see Yu naked without him chasing him around the bath with Mugen. So he decided he would examine the Art of Kanda instead, safely curled on his couch.

Firstly, he untied the huge black tie, which didn't fit Yu one bit. Whose idea was it to take a picture dressed like this, anyway - oh, right. Well, no wonder Yu didn't want to attend it. Then he pulled off the hairtie, gleefully discovering that he could do so, and fake although still lovely hair spilled out in a black wave. Oh, if only it was the real Yu, he would probably not kill Lavi if he offered a nice, firm scalp massage because most people with long hair tended to like that. Sigh.

He tried opening the mouth - well, rather, parting the uncharacteristically grinning teeth - but it was difficult, and it clamped back shut almost immediately, and he barely managed to remove his fingers in time. Not going there again, nope.

With a bit of buttoning work, he took off the shirt, closely examining the torso which also looked just like the real thing, and briefly ran his fingers over the black lines of the tattoo. Too bad the doll wouldn't respond, he thought. It looked like it could be a sensitive place, or maybe not. Who knows. At least he gets the sight of it. Then he removed its boots, and then finally moved onto the pants. Hell yeah.

Seeing Yu's peepee was definitely worth the trouble of hiding this thing, not that Lavi thought it was much trouble at all.

So he removed the pants, and then - holy cows, why were there no underwear? - he just _stared_, unable to move for a moment from pure and genuine shock.

In the place of the male reproduction part, having been shaping the nice bulge in the pants, there was a lotus leaf covering the area and a lotus bud sticking out, all made of plastic of course but unremovable and just... being there.

Lavi really hoped this was General Tiedoll's subtle and very strange sense of humour rather than how Yu's crotch _really_ looked like.

However, after turning the doll around, he discovered that the creation was more thorough as he thought - not to mention perfectly rounded, perfectly firm and perfectly gropable peaches, there was a small hole in its ass, about the size of a sake cup, looking like it was the place through which the doll was inflated, except that there was no lid or anything in there.

The first time Lavi just took in the discovery, put the doll back in its pants and put it back in the closet, however eventually an idea sprouted itself in his mind. Not too long after, he used the pole of his hammer on that hole and, surprisingly, it gave in to shaping with the metal stick, reaching the length and wideness that was enough for -

No, Lavi wasn't going to do that, no he wasn't.

...It looked almost like Yu...

Yes he was.

::

It almost became a routine, really. Lavi was fully aware what he was doing was.. strange, to say the least, but as long as it made him feel better, he had no plans of getting rid of it. He needed a way to relax himself, after all, and since it seemed his chances of otherwise getting laid were close to zero, he happily kept fucking the doll.

It had only one flaw - other than its expression, but that could be ignored by turning it face-down and just focusing on the lovely hair and.. well, the hole, so that wasn't too bad - it made noises.

Not the kind of noises Lavi would have liked to hear, though. Noises of a rubber thing being stepped on, or walking clown shoes, or whatever else. Squeaky noises.

He always had to make sure the hallway was empty before engaging in the sinful act with the inanimate object.

::

And so, one day, after a mission, he like usually rushed to his secret shrine, only one thought in his mind: get a release. Now. He barely remembered to push the door closed and almost fluttered towards the closet, quickly taking out the Art of Kanda, giving it a kiss, pulling its pants down and carrying it to the couch, running his fingers through the lovely fake hair all the time and just smiling while looking at it.

"Aren't we looking lovely today," he cooed, trying not to focus on the fact that the doll didn't hear it, won't get annoyed over it, and won't respond, because that was just sad, and instead stroking its rear lovingly. He pouted a bit as he looked at its face again.

"Yu wouldn't look like that," he mumbled, eyeing the grin, almost if that was his apology to the doll for never looking at its face while busying himself with its ass, and turned it face-down, climbing onto it almost too eagerly and undoing his fly, so completely lost in lust that he didn't even think of bothering to check the hallway nor the door.

Fucktime~

::

The real, alive and bitter Yu Kanda was walking down the hallway when he heard suspicious noises. Very suspicious noises. As if a rubber thing was being stepped on, or there were walking clown shoes, or whatever else. Squeaky noises.

It was coming from one of the rooms which were supposed to be either empty or contain useless old things. Surprisingly, he noted as he sneaked closer, the door was slightly open, and the closer he got, the louder he could hear the squeaking. Peculiar.

It was either an invasion of clowns or a giant dog screwing a giant beachball, so either way it was evil and had to be stopped.

So Kanda straightened up, like a good soldier should, and kicked the door open.

The revealed sight, that followed that move, was going to remain burned in his poor, scarred brain forever. Or maybe longer than that. All he could do for a good few moments was just _stare_, his expression of shock so uncommon on his face, almost no trace of the usual frown, wide eyes and mouth slightly open in a disbelieving manner, because honestly, he had seen many horrible, creepy and ridiculous things in his life, but this was just _too much_.

Lavi was on the couch, shirtless and with his pants lowered what made his asscrack more visible than anyone could ever possibly want to see, _rapidly moving_ back and forth, or, maybe, up and down, or rather, it was his hips that were moving the most rapidly in unison with the squeaks so it was obviously what caused it. If that alone wasn't enough, he was straddling some _thing_ which obviously wasn't alive, though it looked pretty realistically and its face showed briefly and it had long black hair -

OLORD.

Even the very brief moment of infuriating thought that the redheaded pervert might have made himself a Lenalee dummy didn't compare to the following realization of knee-weakening horror which shot through him upon taking in that, in fact, _Lavi was fucking the Art of Kanda_.

Which was... a replica of his. Lavi was fucking an object that looked exactly like him, Kanda realized, having no idea why was his mind having, compared to his standards, an almost in-depth analysis of the situation. And if Lavi was fucking what looked exactly like Kanda, it could only mean that in reality he wanted to fuck Kanda.

...When he thought the train of thought couldn't take him anywhere worse, too.

"..."

Finally, Lavi felt the other presence in the room, almost feeling a little embarrassed for a moment - because heck, did he just get caught? - before actually turning his head to look at whoever it was.

His eye widened in almost just as bad of a shock as the one that was reflected in the dark eyes that were staring at him, and he paled. His movements came to a halt gradually, due to still not believing what he was seeing; squeak squeak squeak... squeak squeak...squeak...squeak... ...squeak. Out of all worst case scenarios, it just had to be... strongly homicidal stuck-up best friend whose inanimate copy he was ravaging right now. Shit.

"...Hey... Yu," he greeted weakly with a grin that was more sheepish and death-sensing than stupid right now.

Kanda's look finally shaped into a positively deathly glare as he gritted his teeth, shaking with anger, and unsheathing Mugen in a split second, pointing it at the redhead, his hand trembling slightly from rage though, naturally, it would have no impact on his aim once he actually went for the kill.

Lavi knew fully well that Yu was just like a volcano; once he started shaking, it was already too late to ensure one's survival by running.

"YOU," Kanda barked, and Mugen gleamed threateningly in anticipation because it was just that awesome and did cool things like that. "GET OFF _THAT_. NOW."

Lavi cowered and whimpered, and suddenly realized that dying hard was even more shameful than dying upon screwing a doll, and either way, dying he was. And therefore, he was going to lessen the shock of anyone who found the remains of his body by at least a little bit, by pretending to take the wrong meaning of what Kanda said. "Yes, Boss, on it," he almost chirped, although weakly, and started quickly fucking the doll again, the squeaking resuming.

"..." Kanda would have probably dropped Mugen at this, if it wasn't such an important part of his life which he'd never let out of his hands onto the ground on his own accord. What the unholy fuck? The bastard was just.. continuing.. with him standing RIGHT THERE threatening him with serious murder intention. Nobody dared to ignore Yu Kanda's rage like this! He twitched severely, sort of frozen in shock and just losing any wish to defile his blade by touching that pathetic, instinct-driven, DIRTY creature in front of him, even though he knew it would have been a proper ending for it. It was just.. too much.

Meanwhile, Lavi stopped again, this time with a happy sigh, as his heavy burden of passion was safely dumped into the lovely dummy, and slumped over the doll, breathing deeply and apparently for a moment forgetting that Kanda was still there. Well, at least he had gotten his rock off, so now death was just a little less embarrassing.

Kanda apparently didn't think so; he finally snapped out of the OLORDWHATTHEFUCK shock and gripped Lavi's shoulder roughly, pulling him off the doll and turning him around to face his enraged face.

Yes, he was mad. No, he didn't really know what he was doing.

"Happy little fucker, aren't you?" he hissed poisonously, and Lavi paled once again. "I should have you castrated, you disgusting, dirty, insolent creep." Ohpleaseno. Have a sniff and a pitiful whimper instead, even if it probably won't melt your heart. And apparently it didn't, because Kanda just shook him again, roughly. "So you want to fuck with me, huh?"

"Eep," Lavi confirmed, because it was obvious from the fact he was screwing Art of Kanda, wasn't it?

Kanda twitched. He hadn't meant it literally, dammit, but now that he thought of it... Despite of his creepy as fuck kinks, Lavi was sort of his best friend and sort of hot, he had to admit, and the situation was rather ungrateful too.

Maybe it wasn't too bad of an idea.

"And you think you're going to get even the slightest idea of it by doing _that?_" he hissed again, though this time there was a barely noticeable smirk in that homicidal expression of his. "A fucking _piece of plastic_? You DARE to even compare me to it?" Another shake and a knee-kick in the groin, and Lavi whimpered again, clutching it. "Answer me, you damn rabbit!"

"N-no," Lavi squeaked, hoping that agreeing with Kanda on everything would maybe increase his chances of saving his life. "Um, that was the closest I could get?" Sheepish grin.

Growl and twitch. "You're fucking retarded. You could have said something instead of...just...that thing... HIDE IT, NOW, OR I SWEAR I'LL MURDER YOU."

"Yes, sir," he redhead squeaked again, straightening up and saluting, and rapidly pushed the doll into the closet, closing the door and returning back to Kanda, still shivering a bit, but now a bit hopeful. He never did pull his pants back up though, so the Japanese was greeted with a pretty decent sight of the redhead's 'front'.

Kanda eyed him for a few moments, obviously processing his options, you could almost hear the rusty gears turning inside his head. Well, everything pointed one way now, so he sighed, kissed his sanity goodbye and pointed at the couch. "Bend over."

"..." Lavi stared at him for a moment. He couldn't have possibly heard that right, no. "...Yu?"

"NOW." Kanda glared at him, and Lavi looked back at his eyes and realized that he just had to obey this holy creature who not only spared his life but was apparently going to have sex with him. Finally. Finally someone who would do that and Lavi wouldn't need to die miserably as an older-than-life virgin. Even if it was going to be a bit, er, unusual, it was hell better than nothing.

So he grinned at Yu and kneeled on the couch, leaning over its back to get more comfortable and glancing over his shoulder almost playfully. "Bossy even at sex, huh Yu? Kinky~"

Kanda twitched again. "Shut up," he just said, sheathing Mugen and stepping closer. He didn't really have too good of an idea how this was done, but it obviously had to include Lavi's ass and his dick somehow, from what he had seen moments ago (ugh why won't those images just disappear).

So he pushed the redhead's pants further down, getting a nice view of his bare rear, and to his own personal disgust he found it quite tempting and adorable, and couldn't resist the temptation to pat it.

"..You have no idea how to do it, do you," Lavi muttered, his enthusiasm fading just a bit as he looked back at Kanda meaningfully. He got a glare and grinned, a bit sheepishly again. "Look, all you have to do is, put your, er, dick here - WAIT NOT YET!"

Kanda stopped, cocking an eyebrow at him, and he chuckled hollowly.

"Sorry. I don't have that fancy regeneration of yours, so you'll have to start with your fingers." He cowered under the glare. "Please?" Glare gone, phew.

"...It's fucking enough I agreed to put my fucking dick in your damn shithole. Do it yourself."

Lavi sniffed a bit but apparently it wasn't going to work. "...Fine," he just muttered and proceeded with it, because he really didn't need any trauma or anything like that after this, and Kanda tended to be rough with, well, practically anything. Maybe except Lenalee, but Lavi wasn't Lenalee, so the point stayed.

And so Kanda got to watch for a bit more, and it was rather disgusting as well but at the same time somewhat arousing, and he found himself paying too much attention to Lavi's fingers up his own bum for good, and when the redhead finally arched his back and made a rather nice noise, he decided it was enough.

And of course he was kind enough to let Lavi know of it.

"Enough," he ordered, unzipping his own fly, and Lavi complied, feeling the whole situation strangely hot, though maybe it was just the adrenaline of nearly getting killed moments ago. Maybe.

He just had to make sure of one thing first.

So he turned his head back again, eyeing Kanda's open pants, and his face lit up with a wide, beaming grin of joy, delight and relief.

"Yu-chan! So you _do_ have a penis!"

"..." Kanda knew nothing of how creative General Tiedoll had been with his copies, so he met the exclamation with deadly silence and a twitch, probably assuming that was a jab at his manliness. So he proved his point by shoving his positively existing manhood into Lavi, hard and deep, his expression turning contented at the cry it ripped from the redhead's mouth. There.

Even though at first it was far from pleasant, Lavi could rejoice in the mere fact that it was Yu, real, actual Yu, whose ass, judging from the brief glimpse he got of it, was even more wonderful than the doll's, and who had a real, actual dood rather than a lotus flower, moving inside him, and of course he was rough and he bit Lavi's shoulder and neck but he didn't mind, and finally when Yu managed the correct angle, holding the redhead's hips with both hands, it felt _good_, and Lavi made sounds, far more loud and genuine than anything he has ever let out when with the doll, gasps and moans, and he pushed his hips against Yu's, who also made some sounds though far more silent and far more rare, mostly grunts and small gasps, but it was still something nobody ever heard but him, and oh, it was absolutely and magnificently and g-ay-loriously _fabulous_.

Once it was over, they both slumped on the couch, breathless but strangely and sinfully contented. Kanda leaned back into it, zipping his pants, and Lavi draped himself over the other man, not bothering to fix his clothing and only receiving as much as a displeased grunt - and smiling knowingly at that.

"Yuuuu?" he drawled tiredly and nuzzled the former's neck.

"Hm."

"Can we do it again?"

Kanda turned to look at him rather blankly for a moment, then snorted and started leaning over him with a slightly predatory smirk, "Sure, why the hell not."

Lavi waved his hands a bit, laughing lightly. "Whoa, hold it there for a moment, tiger." Who could have thought Kanda actually had a sex drive, sheesh. "I didn't mean _right now, _not that I'm against it or anything but I'd like to be able to walk a bit today, yeah. What I meant would be more like.. consistent re-occurrence?" He sighed a bit at the blank stare he received. "I meant, can we do it again _sometime_? And then sometime after that. And so on." He still wanted to try out Yu's delicious ass too, after all, though for a while more it would probably be best not to mention it, because Yu had to, er, heal his pride from witnessing the incident with the, er, doll. One day. "Nobody needs to know, it would be our little secret~"

Kanda eyed him for a moment, then shrugged a bit and sunk back into the couch. "Sure, whatever," he grunted. It did work in a relaxing way, he had to admit, and he was felling rather nice now, so.. why the fuck not. As long as they both wanted it, and, preferably, nobody knew, it won't hurt to have a bit of.. adventure sometimes.

"Love Yu too~" Lavi cooed, earning himself a light smack on the head, and draped himself over the Japanese again.

::

It once again became a sort of routine, but this time it wasn't quite as strange, and both people involved in it were enjoying it. Maybe it was growing into an actual affair, neither of them really cared. They liked spending time together, no matter if sex was included or not, so it didn't really change that much. They were best friends, after all. Just like now. _Really close _best friends.

Kanda mentioned he was going to have General Tiedoll make all the current Art of Kanda replicas disappear back into nothingness, however Lavi didn't see that as a huge loss anymore.

::

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_**THE END**_

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End file.
